Resources for Couples

COMPILED BY PASTOR DAVID P. CRAIG, Revised July 26, 2022 (Those Marked with an “*” are Highly Recommended)

MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD (The Imago Dei):

  • *Brand, Dr. Paul and Philip Yancey. Fearfully and Wonderfully: The Marvel of Bearing God’s Image.
  • Hoekema, Anthony A. Created in God’s Image.
  • Kilner, John F. Dignity and Destiny: Humanity in the Image of God.
  • Lints, Richard. Identity and Idolatry: The Image of God and Its Inversion.
  • Seamands, Stephen. Ministry in the Image of God: The Trinitarian Shape of Christian Service.
  • *Sproul, R.C. The Hunger for Significance: Seeing the Image of God in Man.
  • *Wilkin, Jen. In His Image: 10 Ways God Calls Us to Reflect His Character.

THE SINGLE CHRISTIAN

  • *Alberry Sam. 7 Myths About Singleness.
  • Ballenger, Mark. The Ultimate Guide to Christian Singleness.
  • Chediak, Alex. With One Voice: Singleness, Dating & Marriage to the Glory of God.
  • Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships
  • Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition: The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships
  • *Hiestand, Gerald, and Jay S. Thomas. Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach.
  • Maxson, J. Robin and Garry Friesen. “I Do” or Do I? Are You Ready To Change Your Relationship Status?
  • Maxson, J. Robin and Garry Friesen. Singleness, Marriage, and the Will of God.
  • *Pokluda, J.P. and Kevin McConaghy. Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed.
  • *Pokluda, J.P. and Kevin McConaghy. Welcome to Adulting: Navigating Faith, Friendship, Finances, and the Future.
  • *Pokluda, J.P. Welcome to Adulting Survival Guide: 42 Days to Navigate Life.
  • Rineheart, Stacy T., and Paula Rinehart. Choices: Finding God’s Way in Dating, Sex, Marriage, and Singleness.
  • *Phillips, Richard D., and Sharon L. Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating.
  • Priolo, Lou. Danger Signs of an Unhealthy Dating Relationship.
  • *Segal, Marshall. Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating.
  • Smith, William P. Starting Over: How Not to Screw Up Your Next Relationship.
  • Smith, William P. Who Should I Date?: Relationship Advice for the Real World.
  • *Strachan, Owen. Whole in Christ: A Biblical Approach to Singleness.
  • *Stuart, Ben. Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age.
  • *Sweet, Jenilyn. Singleness: Living Faithfully (31-Day Devotionals for Life).

BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED/MARRIED

  • *Baker, Ernie. Marry Wisely, Marry Well.
  • Burns, Jim & Fields, Doug. Getting Ready for Marriage: A Practical Road Map for Your Journey Together.
  • Chapman, Gary. Things I Wish I’d Known Before We God Married.
  • Green, Rob. Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage.
  • *Harley, Jr. Willard F. I Promise You: Preparing For A Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime.
  • Mack, Wayne A. Preparing for Marriage God’s Way: A Step-By-Step Guide for Marriage Success Before and After the Wedding.
  • McKinley, Mike. Engagement: Preparing for Marriage (31-Day Devotionals for Life).
  • Parrott, Les & Leslie. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions To Ask Before and After You Marry.
  • Piper, John. Preparing for Marriage: Help for Christian Couples.
  • Roberts, Wes & Wright, H. Norman. Before You Say “I Do.”
  • Smalley, Greg and Erin. Before You Plan Your Wedding…Plan Your Marriage.
  • Smalley, Greg and Erin. Ready to Wed: 12 Ways to Start a Marriage You’ll Love.
  • Smith, William P. Should We Get Married?: How to Evaluate Your Relationship.
  • Thomas, Gary. 9 Must Have Conversations For a Doubt-Free Wedding Day.
  • Thomas, Gary. Preparing Your Heart for Marriage: Devotions for Engaged Couples.
  • *Thomas, Gary. The Sacred Search: What if It’s Not about Who You Marry, but Why?
  • *Wright, H. Norman. 101 Questions to ask Before You Get Engaged.
  • *Wright, H. Norman. Before You Say “I Do”: A Marriage Preparation Guide for Couples.
  • *Wright, H. Norman. Before You Say “I Do” Devotional: Building a Spiritual Foundation for Your Life Together.
  • *Wright, H. Norman. Starting Out Together: A Devotional for Dating or Engaged Couples.

MARRIAGE

  • *Ash, Christopher. Married For God: Making Your Marriage the Best It Can Be.
  • Begg, Alistair. Lasting Love. How to Avoid Marital Failure.
  • Chan, Francis and Lisa. You And Me Forever: Marriage In Light of Eternity.
  • Chapell, Bryan. Each For The Other: Marriage As It’s Meant To Be.
  • Chapman, Gary. Happily Ever After: Six Secrets to a Successful Marriage.
  • *Chapman, Gary. The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage.
  • Chester, Tim. Gospel-Centered Marriage: Becoming the Couple God Wants You to Be.
  • Crabb, Larry. The Marriage Builder. Creating Oneness To Transform Your Marriage.
  • *Farley, William P. Marriage In Paradise: How to Have a Genesis two Marriage in a Genesis three World.
  • *Curt Hamner, John Trent, et al. Marriage: Its Foundation, Theology, and Mission in a Changing World.
  • *Ingram, Chip. Marriage That Works: God’s Way of Becoming Spiritual Soul Mates, Best Friends, and Passionate Lovers.
  • *Keller, Timothy and Kathy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God.
  • Kostenberger, Andreas J. & Jones  David W. God, Marriage, and Family. Rebuilding The Biblical Foundation.
  • *LaPierre, Scott. Your Marriage God’s Way: A Biblical Guide to a Christ-Centered Relationship.
  • Lewis, Robert & Hendricks, William. Rocking The Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage.
  • Mead, Peter. Lost in Wonder: A Biblical Introduction to God’s Great Marriage.
  • *Ortlund, Ray. Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel.
  • Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence.
  • Rainey, Dennis & Barbara. Starting Your Marriage Right: What You Need To Know In The Early Years To Make It Last a Lifetime.
  • Rainey, Dennis & Barbara. Staying Close: Stopping The Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage.
  • *Savage, Timothy B. No Ordinary Marriage: Together For God’s Glory.
  • Smalley, Erin. Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Marriage (Focus on the Family)
  • Smalley, Gary. The DNA of Relationships: Discover How You Are designed for Satisfying Relationships.
  • Smalley, Gary & Trent, John. Love is a Decision: Proven Techniques to Keep Your Marriage Alive and Lively.
  • Smalley, Gary and Shawn Stoever. The Wholehearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship.
  • Smith, Winston T. Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change Through Ordinary Moments.
  • *Sproul, R.C. The Intimate Marriage: A Practical Guide To Building A Great Marriage.
  • *Swindoll, Charles R. Marriage From Surviving to Thriving.
  • Thomas, Gary. A Lifelong Love: How to Have Lasting Intimacy, friendship, and Purpose in Your Marriage.
  • Thomas, Gary. Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything For Your Marriage.
  • Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
  • Towns, Ruth and Elmer. How To Build a Lasting Marriage: Lessons From Biblical Couples.
  • *Tripp, Paul David. Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make.
  • Wright, H. Norman. After You Say “I Do.”
  • Wright, H. Norman. 101 Ways To Build a Stronger, More Exciting Marriage.
  • Young, Ed. The 10 Commandments of Marriage: The Do’s and Don’s for a Lifelong Covenant.

LEARNING TO MEET ONE ANOTHER’S NEEDS

  • *Eggerichs, Emerson. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.
  • *Harley, Jr. Willard F. He Wins, She Wins: Learning The Art of Marital Negotiation; His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage; Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits.

MEN AND WOMEN: ENJOYING THE DIFFERENCES

  • Burke, H. Dale. Different by Design: God’s Master Plan For Harmony Between Men and Women in Marriage.
  • Crabb, Larry. Men and Women: Enjoying The Difference.
  • *Farrel, Bill and Pam. Men Are Like Waffles Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences.
  • *Farrel, Bill and Pam. Why Men and Women Act The Way They Do.
  • Leman, Kevin. Have a New Husband by Friday: How to Change His Attitude, Behavior & Communication in 5 Days.
  • MacArthur, John. Divine Design: God’s Complementary Roles For Men and Women.
  • Peacock, Gavin & Strachan, Owen. The Grand Design: Male and Female He Made Them.
  • Smalley, Gary. For Better or for Best: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Husband.
  • Smalley, Gary. If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Wife.
  • Strauch, Alexander. Men and Women: Equal Yet Different.
  • Strachan, Owen and Jonathan Parnell. Designed for Joy: How the Gospel Impacts Men and Women, Identity and Practice.

COMMUNICATION 

  • Bechtle, Mike. How to Communicate with Confidence.
  • Brown, Steve. How to Talk So People Will Listen.
  • *Chapman, Gary. Now You’re Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage.
  • *Eggerichs, Emerson. Cracking The Communication Code With Your Mate: The Secret of Speaking Your Mate’s Language.
  • Petersen, James C. Why Don’t We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships
  • *Tripp, Paul David. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles.
  • *Wright, H. Norman. Communication: Key to Your Marriage – The Secret To True Happiness.

CONFLICT

  • Chapman, Gary. Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing (Chapman Guides).
  • Chapman, Gary. Home Improvements: The Chapman Guide to Negotiating Change with Your Spouse (Chapman Guides).
  • Chapman, Gary. The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships.
  • *Chapman, Gary & Thomas, Jennifer. When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right With Those You Love.
  • *Harvey, Dave. When Sinners Say “I Do”: The Power of the Gospel for Marriage.
  • *Hoppe, Steve. Marriage Conflict: Talking as Teammates (31-Day Devotionals for Life).
  • *Kendall, R.T. Total Forgiveness.
  • *Lutzer, Erwin W. When You Have Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness To Forgiveness.
  • *Priolo, Lou. Resolving Conflict: How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace.
  • *Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.
  • *Scott, Stuart. Communication and Conflict Resolution: A Biblical Perspective.
  • Smalley, Greg. Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage: How Healthy Conflict Can Take You to Deeper Levels of Intimacy.
  • Smalley, Greg. Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Marriage.

COURTSHIP AFTER MARRIAGE

  • Begg, Alistair. Lasting Love: How To Avoid Marital Failure.
  • Buzzard, Justin. Date Your Wife: A Husband’s Guide.
  • Harley, Jr. Willard F. Fall In Love, Stay In Love.
  • Mack, Wayne A. Sweethearts for a Lifetime: Making the Most of Your Marriage (Strength for Life).
  • *Smalley, Greg and Erin Smalley. Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage: 12 Secrets for a Lifelong Romance.
  • *Smalley, Gary. Making Love Last Forever.
  • *Smalley, Gary and Shawn Stoever. The Wholehearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship.
  • *Ziglar, Zig. Courtship After Marriage: Romance Can Last A Lifetime.

DEVOTIONALS

  • Chapman, Gary. The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional: A 365-Day Devotional for Christian Couples.
  • Chapman, Gary. The Love as a Way of Life Devotional: A Ninety-Day Adventure That Makes Love a Daily Habit.
  • Dobson, James C. Night Light: A Devotional for Couples.
  • Harley, Willard F. and Joyce S. Joyce. Draw Close: A Devotional for Couples.
  • Keller, Timothy and Kathy Keller. The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple’s Devotional: A Year of Daily Devotions.
  • Kendrick, Stephen and Alex. The Love Dare Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples.
  • Rainey, Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Moments Together for Couples: 365 Daily Devotions for Drawing Near to God & One Another.
  • Thomas, Gary. Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples.
  • *Wright, H. Norman. After You Say “I Do” Devotional: Meditations for Every Couple.

FINANCES

  • *Alcorn, Randy. Managing God’s Money: A Biblical Guide.
  • *Alcorn, Randy. Money, Possessions, and Eternity: A Comprehensive Guide to What the Bible Says about Financial Stewardship, Generosity, Materialism, Retirement, Financial Planning, Gambling, Debt, and More.
  • *Alcorn, Randy. The Law of Rewards: Giving what you can’t keep to gain what you can’t lose.
  • *Alcorn, Randy. The Treasure Principle, Revised and Updated: Unlocking the Secret of Joyful Giving.
  • Blue, Ron. Master Your Money: A Step-By-Step Plan For Experiencing Contentment. 
  • Blue, Ron & Burkett, Larry. Your Money After The Big 5-0. Wealth For The Second Half of Life.
  • *Dayton, Howard. Marriage and Money God’s Way.
  • *Dayton, Howard. Your Money Counts: The Biblical Guide to Earning, Spending, Saving, Investing, Giving, and Getting Out of Debt
  • Keller, Timothy. Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters.
  • *Lowe, Cherie. Slaying the Debt Dragon: How One Family Conquered Their Money Monster and Found an Inspired Happily Ever After.
  • MacArthur, John. Whose Money Is It Anyway?
  • Ramsey, Dave. Financial Peace Revisited; The Complete Guide to Money; The Money Answer Book; The Total Money Makeover; The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Family’s Financial Health.
  • Tripp, Paul David. Sex and Money: Pleasures That Leave You Empty and Grace That Satisfies. 
  • *Wood, William C. Getting a Grip on Your Money: A Plain & Simple Christian Guide to Managing Personal Finances, Eliminating Debt, Spending, Saving & Giving, Investing for the Future.
  • Yates, Cynthia. Living Well On One Income: In a Two-Income World. 

LOVE LANGUAGES

  • *Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
  • *Eggerichs, Emerson. The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate.
  • Rosberg, Gary and Barbara Rosberg. 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love: Recapturing Your Dream Marriage.
  • Rosberg, Gary and Barbara Rosberg. The 5 Love Needs of Men & Women.
  • *Smalley, Gary & Trent, John. The Language of Love: The Secret To Being Instantly Understood. 
  • *Trent, John and Gary Smalley. The Two Sides of Love: The Secret to Valuing Differences.

MEN AND WOMEN IN MINISTRY

  • *DeYoung, Kevin. Men and Women in the Church: A Short, Biblical, Practical Introduction.
  • Gilbert, Greg. Can Women Be Pastors?
  • *Grudem, Wayne, ed. Biblical Foundations for Manhood and Womanhood.
  • *Kostenberger, Margaret E. God’s Design for Man and Woman. A Biblical-Theological Survey.
  • *Kostenberger, Andreas J. and Thomas R. Schreiner, et al. Women in the Church: An Interpretation and Application of 1 Timothy 2:9-15.
  • *Piper, John and Grudem, Wayne. 50 Crucial Questions: An Overview of Central Concerns about Manhood and Womanhood.
  • *Piper, John and Grudem, Wayne editors. Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood: A Response To Evangelical Feminism.
  • Saucy, Robert, and Judith TenElshof. Women and Men in Ministry: A Complementary Perspective.

PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES

  • *Biehl, Bobb. Why You Do What You Do.
  • *LaHaye, Tim. Spirit-Controlled Temperament.
  • *LaHaye, Tim. Why You Act The Way You Do.
  • *Leman, Kevin. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are The Way You Are.
  • *Littauer, Florence. Personality Plus.
  • *Littauer, Florence. Personality Plus At Work.
  • *Littauer, Florence. Personality Plus For Couples: Understanding Yourself and the One You Love
  • *Littauer, Florence. Wired That Way: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Maximizing Your Personality Type.
  • Smalley, Gary and Robert S. Paul. The DNA of Relationships for Couples.

SEXUAL INTIMACY: BECOMING ONE

  • Ash, Christopher. How Should Christians Think about Sex? (Questions for Restless Minds).
  • *Ash, Christopher. Marriage: Sex in the Service of God.
  • Cutrer, William & Glahn, Sandra. Sexual Intimacy In Marriage.
  • Dobson, James. Head Over Heels: How To Fall In Love and Land On Your Feet.
  • Harley, Jr. Willard F. Five Steps To Romantic Love: A Workbook for Readers of Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs.
  • Howes, Ryan, Rupp, Richard, Simpson, Stephen W. What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Sex: A Guide For Christian Men.
  • LaHaye, Tim & Beverly. The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love.
  • Leman, Kevin. Sex Begins In the Kitchen; Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.
  • McBurney, Louis & Melissa. Real Questions, Real Answers About Sex.
  • McCluskey, Christopher & Rachel. When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy In Marriage.
  • Rosberg, Gary and Barbara Rosberg. The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women.
  • *Wheat, Ed & Gaye. Intended For Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage.

IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE

  • *Chapman, Gary. Hope For The Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed.
  • *Chapman, Gary. Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages.
  • *Chapman, Gary. One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart.
  • *Dobson, James. Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages In Crisis.
  • Gambola, Michael Scott. After an Affair: Pursuing Restoration.
  • *Harley, Jr. Willard H. & Chalmers, Jennifer Harley. Surviving An Affair.
  • Jones, Robert D. Restoring Your Broken Marriage: Healing After Adultery.
  • *Kruger, Mellissa and Michael Kruger. 5 Things to Pray for Your Spouse: Prayers That Change and Strengthen Your Marriage.
  • Smith, Winston T. Help! My Spouse Committed Adultery: First Steps for Dealing with Betrayal.
  • *Strobel, Lee & Leslie. Surviving A Spiritual Mismatch In Marriage.
  • *Summers, Mike. Help! My Spouse Has Been Unfaithful.

Web Resources For Marriage

www.5lovelanguages.com(Gary Chapman Resources for Marriage)

www.crown.org/(Founded by Larry Burkett – Excellent Financial Resources)

www.daveramsey.com/ (Resources for Dave Ramsey on Finances)

www.familylife.com (A Cru Ministry with Resources for Marriage and Parenting)

www.focusonthefamily.com (Founded by James Dobson – Marriage and Parenting)

www.marriagebuilders.com/(Ministry Resources of Dr. Willard F. Harley)

www.PaulTripp.com (Resources for Marriage and Parenting from Paul David Tripp)

www.smalleyinstitute.com (Resources from Gary and Greg Smalley on Marriage)

Biblical Manhood

  • Briscoe, Stuart. The One Year Devotions for Men with Stuart Briscoe.
  • Challies, Tim. Sexual Detox: A Guide for Guys Who Are Sick of Porn.
  • Challies, Tim. Run to Win: The Lifelong Pursuits of a Godly Man.
  • Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages for Men: Tools for Making a Good Relationship Great.
  • Coekin, Richard. Men of God.
  • Crabb, Larry. Men of Courage: God’s Call to Move Beyond the Silence of Adam.
  • Doriani, Daniel M. The New Man: Becoming a Man After God’s Heart.
  • Evans, Tony. No More Excuses: Be the Man God Made You to Be.
  • Farrar, Steve. Tempered Steel: How God Shapes a Man’s Heart through Adversity.
  • *Foster, Michael. It’s Good To Be A Man: A Handbook for Godly Masculinity.
  • *Getz, Gene. The Measure of a Man: Twenty Attributes of a Godly Man.
  • Hanson, Brant. The Men We Need: God’s Purpose for the Manly Man, the Avid Indoorsman, or Any Man Willing to Show Up.
  • *Hughes, R. Kent. Disciplines of a Godly Man.
  • *Lambert, Heath. Finally Free (pornography).
  • MacDonald, Gordon. Ordering Your Private World.
  • Metaxas, Eric. Seven Men: And the Secret of Their Greatness.
  • Metaxas, Eric. Seven More Men: And the Secret of Their Greatness.
  • *Morely, Patrick. How God Makes Men: Ten Epic Stories. Ten Proven Principles. One Huge Promise for Your Life.
  • *Morely, Patrick. The Man in the Mirror: Solving the 24 Problems Men Face.
  • *Ortlund, Ray. The Death of Porn: Men of Integrity Building a World of Nobility.
  • *Phillips, Richard D. The Masculine Mandate: God’s Calling to Men.
  • Rainey, Dennis. Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood.
  • Scott, Stuart. Biblical Manhood: Masculinity, Leadership and Decision.
  • *Smalley, Gary, Greg Salley, and Michael Smalley. Men’s Relational Toolbox.
  • Smith, Rhett. What it Means to be a Man: God’s Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes.
  • *Storms, Sam. Daily Strength: A Devotional for Men.
  • *Weber, Stu. Tender Warrior: Every Man’s Purpose, Every Woman’s Dream, Every Child’s Hope.
  • Wolgemuth, Robert. Lies Men Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free.

Being a Good Dad

  • *Beeke, Joel. How Should Men Lead Their Families?
  • Chandler, Matt and Adam Griffin. Family Discipleship: Leading Your Home Through Time, Moments, and Milestones.
  • *Farrar, Steve. Anchor Man: How a Father Can Anchor His Family in Christ for the Next 100 Years.
  • *Farrar, Steve. King Me: King Me: What Every Son Wants and Needs From His Father.
  • *Farrar, Steve. Point Man: How A Man Can Lead His Family.
  • *Farrar, Steve. Battle Ready: Prepare to Be Used by God.
  • *Farrar, Steve. God Built: Forged by God … in the Bad and Good of Life.
  • *Farrar, Steve. Real Valor: A Charge to Nurture and Protect Your Family.
  • *Farrar, Steve. Standing Tall: How a Man Can Protect His Family.
  • Fuller, John. First Time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need to Know.
  • Leman, Kevin. Be the Dad She Needs You to Be: The Indelible Imprint a Father Leaves on His Daughter’s Life.
  • *Lewis, Robert. Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father’s Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood.
  • Michael, David. A Father’s Guide to Blessing His Children (Family Discipleship).
  • *Smalley, Gary and John Trent. The Blessing.
  • Tyson, Jon. The Intentional Father: A Practical Guide to Raise Sons of Courage and Character.

Being a Good Husband

  • *Buzzard, Justin. Date Your Wife.
  • *Dobson, James. What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women.
  • *Eggerichs, Emerson. The Love & Respect Experience: A Husband-Friendly Devotional That Wives Truly Love.
  • *Evans, Tony. For Married Men Only: Three Principles for Loving Your Wife.
  • Howes, Ryan, Rupp, Richard, Simpson, Stephen W. What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Sex: A Guide For Christian Men.
  • *Kruger, Michael and Melissa Kruger. 5 Things to Pray for Your Spouse: Prayers That Change and Strengthen Your Marriage.
  • Mahaney, C.J. & Carol. Sex, Romance, And The Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs To Know.
  • *Priolo, Lou. The Complete Husband: A Practical Guide for Improved Husbanding.
  • *Scott, Stuart. The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective.
  • *Smalley, Gary. If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Wife.
  • *Smalley, Gary. Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late.
  • Weathers, Mark A. How to Pray for Your Wife: A 31-Day Guide.

Mid-Life Helps

  • Arterburn, Stephen. 6 Ways for Men to Thrive in Midlife.
  • Arterburn, Stephen. Midlife Manual for Men: Finding Significance in the Second Half.
  • *Buford, Bob. Finishing Well: The Adventure of Life Beyond Halftime.
  • *Buford, Bob. Halftime: Moving from Success to Significance.
  • Chester, Tim. You Can Change: God’s Transforming Power for Our Sinful Behavior and Negative Emotions.
  • Dunlop, John, MD. Finishing Well to the Glory of God: Strategies from a Christian Physician.
  • MacDonald, Gordon. Mid-Course Correction: Re-Ordering Your Private World for the Second Half of Life.
  • Peppin, Bruce. The Best Is Yet to Be: Moving Mountains in Midlife.
  • *Swenson MD, Richard. Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives.
  • *Tripp, Paul David. Lost in the Middle: MidLife and the Grace of God: Mid-Life Crisis and the Grace of God.
  • Wright, H. Norman. What’s Next?: Navigating Transitions to Make the Rest of Your Life Count.
  • Ziglar, Zig. Better Than Good: Creating a Life You Can’t Wait to Live.

Biblical Womanhood

  • *Dodds, Abigail. (A)Typical Woman: Free, Whole, and Called in Christ.
  • *Elliott, Elisabeth. Let Me Be A Woman.
  • *Elliott, Elisabeth. Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control.
  • Furman, Gloria and Kathleen B. Nielsen. Word-Filled Women’s Ministry: Loving and Serving the Church.
  • *Haykin, Michael A. G. Eight Women of Faith.
  • *Hughes, Barbara. Disciplines of a Godly Woman.
  • *Hunt, Susan. By Design: God’s Distinctive Calling for Women.
  • *Hunt, Susan. The True Woman: The Beauty and Strength of a Godly Woman.
  • *Hunt, Susan. The Legacy of Biblical Womanhood.
  • *Hunt, Susan. Women’s Ministry in the Local Church.
  • *Kassian, Mary A. The Feminist Mistake: The Radical Impact of Feminism on Church and Culture.
  • *Kassian, Mary A. The Right Kind of Confident: The Remarkable Grit of a God-Fearing Woman.
  • *Kassian, Mary A. The Right Kind of Strong: Surprisingly Simple Habits of a Spiritually Strong Woman.
  • *Kruger, Melissa. 12 Faithful Women: Portraits of Steadfast Endurance.
  • *Kruger, Melissa. Growing Together: Taking Mentoring beyond Small Talk and Prayer Requests.
  • *Kruger, Melissa. Identity Theft: Reclaiming the Truth of our Identity in Christ.
  • Nielson, Kathleen. Women and God: Hard Questions, Beautiful Truth.
  • McLaughlin, Rebecca. Jesus though the Eyes of Women: How the First Female Disciples Help Us Know and Love the Lord.
  • Metaxas, Eric. Seven Women: And the Secret of Their Greatness.
  • Ortlund, Anne. Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman.
  • Ortlund, Jani. Fearlessly Feminine: Boldly Living God’s Plan for Womanhood.
  • *Peace, Martha. Becoming a Titus 2 Woman.
  • *Saffles, Gretchen. The Well-Watered Woman: Rooted in Truth, Growing in Grace, Flourishing in Faith.
  • *Scazzero, Geri. The Emotionally Healthy Woman: Eight Things You Have to Quit to Change Your Life.
  • *Wolgemuth, Nancy DeMoss. Adorned: Living Out the Beauty of the Gospel Together.
  • *Wolgemuth, Nancy DeMoss. Biblical Portrait of Womanhood: Discovering and Living Out God’s Plan for our Lives.
  • *Wolgemuth, Nancy DeMoss. Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free.

Being a Good Mom

  • *Eggerichs, Emerson. Mother and Son: The Respect Effect.
  • *Engelsma, Esther. How Can I Feel Productive as a Mom?
  • *Ferrer, Hillary Morgan. Mama Bear Apologetics: Empowering Your Kids to Challenge Cultural Lies.
  • *Ferrer, Hillary Morgan. Mama Bear Apologetics: Guide to Sexuality: Empowering Your Kids to Understand and Live Out God’s Design.
  • Furman, Gloria. Labor with Hope: Gospel Meditations on Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood.
  • *Furman, Gloria. Missional Motherhood: The Everyday Ministry of Motherhood in the Grand Plan of God (The Gospel Coalition).
  • Furman, Gloria. Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms.
  • Gresh, Dannah. A Mom’s Guide to Lies Girls Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free (Lies We Believe).
  • Halberstadt, Abbie. M Is for Mama: A Rebellion Against Mediocre Motherhood.
  • *Hunt, Susan. Spiritual Mothering: The Titus 2 Model for Women Mentoring Women.
  • Jensen, Emily and Laura Wifler. Risen Motherhood: Gospel Hope for Everyday Moments.
  • Leman, Kevin. What a Difference a Mom Makes: The Indelible Imprint a Mom Leaves on Her Son’s Life.
  • Wann, Liz. The End of Me: Finding Resurrection Life in the Daily Sacrifices of Motherhood.

Being a Good Wife

  • *Evans, Tony. For Married Women Only: Three Principles for Honoring Your Husband.
  • *Kruger, Michael and Melissa Kruger. 5 Things to Pray for Your Spouse: Prayers That Change and Strengthen Your Marriage.
  • Leman, Kevin. Have a New Husband by Friday: How to Change His Attitude, Behavior & Communication in 5 Days.
  • *Peace, Martha. The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective.
  • *Smalley, Erin. *10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife: Everyday Ways to Show Him Love.
  • *Smalley, Erin, Greg, and Gary. The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship.
  • *Smalley, Gary. For Better or Best: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Husband.
  • *Smalley, Gary. Winning Your Husband Back Before It’s Too Late.
  • Thomas, Gary L. Loving Him Well: Practical Advice On Influencing Your Husband.

Vocation and Calling

  • Chapman, Gary. The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People.
  • Challies, Tim. Do More Better: A Practical Guide to Productivity.
  • Doriani, Daniel M. Work: Its Purpose, Dignity, and Transformation.
  • Doriani, Daniel M. Work That Makes a Difference.
  • *Grudem, Wayne. Business for the Glory of God: The Bible’s Teaching on the Moral Goodness of Business.
  • Guinness, Os. The Call: Finding and Fulfilling God’s Purpose for Your Life.
  • *Hamilton, James M. Work and Our Labor in the Lord. 
  • Kaemingk, Matthew and Cory B. Willson. Work and Worship: Reconnecting Our Labor and Liturgy.
  • *Keller, Timothy. Every Good Endeavor: Connecting Your Work to God’s Work.
  • *Littauer, Florence. Personality Plus At Work.
  • *Nelson, Tom. Work Matters: Connecting Sunday Worship to Monday Work.
  • O’Donnell, Michaela. Make Work Matter: Your Guide to Meaningful Work in a Changing World.
  • Perman, Matt. What’s Best Next: How the Gospel Transforms the Way You Get Things Done.
  • Rodin, R. Scott. Stewards in the Kingdom: A Theology of Life in All Its Fullness.
  • Smith, Gordon T. Consider Your Calling: Six Questions for Discerning Your Vocation.
  • Stevens, R. Paul and Tom Force. Aging Matters: Finding Your Calling for the Rest of Your Life.
  • Stevens, R. Paul. Doing God’s Business: Meaning and Motivation for the Marketplace.
  • Stevens, R. Paul. The Other Six Days: Vocation, Work, and Ministry in Biblical Perspective.
  • Stevens, R. Paul. Taking Your Soul to Work: Overcoming the Nine Deadly Sins of the Workplace.
  • Stevens, R. Paul. Work Matters: Lessons from Scripture.
  • Palmer, Parker J. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation.
  • Pennings, Ray. How Can I Serve God at Work?
  • *Veith, Gene Edward Jr. God at Work: Your Christian Vocation in All of Life.

Relational Help

  • Brauns, Chris. Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds.
  • Chapman, Gary. Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion.
  • Clinton, Tim and Gary Sibcy. Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships.
  • Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to say NO To Take Control of Your Life.
  • Crabb, Larry. Connecting: Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships.
  • Crabb, Larry. Understanding People: Why We Long for Relationship.
  • Crabtree, Sam. Practicing Affirmation: God-Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God.
  • Crabtree, Sam. Practicing Thankfulness: Cultivating a Grateful Heart in All Circumstances.
  • Dykas, Ellen Mary. Toxic Relationships: Taking Refuge in Christ (31-Day Devotionals for Life).
  • Gifford, Greg. Heart & Habits: How We Change for Good.
  • Ingram, Chip and Becca Johnson. Overcoming Emotions that Destroy: Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings That Ruin Relationships.
  • Jones, Robert D. Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts.
  • *Kendall, R.T. Controlling the Tongue: Mastering the What, When, and Why of the Words You Speak.
  • *Kendall, R.T. Total Forgiveness.
  • Kassian, Mary. Conversation Peace: Improving Your Relationships One Word at a Time.
  • Lane, Timothy S., and Paul David Tripp. How People Change.
  • Lane, Timothy S., and Paul David Tripp. Relationships: A Mess Worth Making.
  • Lane, Timothy S. Unstuck: A Nine-Step Journey To Change That Lasts.
  • Lutzer, Erwin. When You’ve Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness.
  • Marshall, Cheryl and Caroline Newheiser. When Words Matter Most: Speaking Truth with Grace to Those You Love.
  • Maxwell, John. Be A People Person: Effective Leadership Through Effective Relationships.
  • Miller, Paul E. A Loving Life: In a World of Broken Relationships.
  • *Powlison, David. Good and Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness.
  • Priolo, Lou. Bitterness: The Root That Pollutes (Resources for Biblical Living).
  • *Priolo, Lou. Pleasing People: How not to be an “approval junkie.”
  • Rainer, Thom S. and Art Rainer. Simple Life: Time, Relationships, Money, God.
  • Robinson, Jeff. Taming the Tongue: How The Gospel Transforms Our Talk.
  • Satrom, Hayley. Forgiveness: Reflecting God’s Mercy (31-Day Devotionals for Life).
  • *Sande, Ken and Kevin Johnson. Resolving Everyday Conflict
  • *Scazzero, Peter. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature.
  • Smalley, Gary. The DNA of Relationships: Discover How You Are Designed for Satisfying Relationships.
  • Smith, William P. How To Love Difficult People: Receiving and Sharing God’s Mercy.
  • Townsend, John. Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships.
  • Tripp, Paul David. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change.
  • Viars, Stephen. Overcoming Bitterness: Moving from Life’s Greatest Hurts to a Life Filled with Joy.
  • Viars, Stephen. Putting Your Past in Its Place: Moving Forward in Freedom and Forgiveness.
  • *Welch, Edward T. Blame It On The Brain: Distinguishing Chemical Imbalances, Brain Disorders, and Disobedience.
  • *Welch, Edward T. Caring for One Another: 8 Ways to Cultivate Meaningful Relationships.
  • *Welch, Edward T. A Small Book about a Big Problem: Meditations on Anger, Patience, and Peace.
  • *Welch, Edward T. A Small Book about Why We Hide: How Jesus Rescues Us from Insecurity, Regret, Failure, and Shame.
  • *Welch, Edward T. Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love.
  • *Welch, Edward T. When People Are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man (Resources for Changing Lives).
  • Whitman, Lauren. A Painful Past: Healing and Moving Forward (31-Day Devotionals for Life).
  • Wytsma, Ken. Redeeming How We Talk: Discover How Communication Fuels Our Growth, Shapes Our Relationships, and Changes Our Lives.

Families

  • Anthony, Michael and Michelle Anthony. A Theology for Family Ministry.
  • Anthony, Michelle. Becoming a Spiritually Healthy Family: Avoiding the 6 Dysfunctional Parenting Styles
  • *Beeke, Joel. How Should Men Lead Their Families?
  • Chandler, Matt and Adam Griffin. Family Discipleship: Leading Your Home Through Time, Moments, and Milestones.
  • Chapman, Gary and Shannon Warden. The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts: 12 Tools for Improving Your Home Life.
  • Chapman, Gary. The Family You’ve Always Wanted: Five Ways You Can Make It Happen.
  • Chester Tim. Gospel-Centered Family.
  • Earley, Justin Whitmel. Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms.
  • *Eggerichs, Emerson. Love and Respect in the Family: The Respect Parents Desire; The Love Children Need.
  • Elliot, Elisabeth. The Shaping of a Christian Family: How My Parents Nurtured My Faith.
  • Hughes, Kent and Barbara. Disciplines of a Godly Family.
  • Jones, Timothy Paul. Family Ministry Field Guide: How Your Church Can Equip Parents to Make Disciples.
  • Jones, Timothy Paul, ed. Perspectives on Family Ministry: Three Views.
  • *Kostenberger, Andreas J. God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation.
  • Kimmel, Tim. Grace-Based Parenting: Set Your Family Tree.
  • Leman, Kevin. Have a Happy Family by Friday: How to Improve Communication, Respect & Teamwork in 5 Days.
  • *Lewis, Robert. Real Family Values: Leading Your Family into the 21st Century with Clarity and Conviction.
  • *Newman, Randy. Bringing the Gospel Home: Witnessing to Family Members, Close Friends, and Others Who Know You Well.
  • Powell, Kara and Steven Argue. Growing With: Every Parent’s Guide to Helping Teenagers and Young Adults Thrive in Their Faith, Family, and Future.
  • Powell, Kara. The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family: Over 100 Practical and Tested Ideas to Build Lasting Faith in Kids.
  • *Sande, Ken. Peacemaking for Families: A Biblical Guide to Managing Conflict in Your Home.
  • Schaeffer, Edith. What is a Family?
  • *Smalley, Gary and John Trent. The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance.
  • Whitney, Donald S. Family Worship: In the Bible, In History, and In Your Home.

Book Review of Rosaria Champagne Butterfield’s “The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert.”

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“Insightful Thoughts From a Beautiful Follower of Jesus”

Book Review By Dr. David P. Craig

Rosaria Champagne Butterfield (what a beautiful name) has written a delightful book highlighting her conversion to Christ and instruction on many topics that are thought provoking and insightful. Among the variety of topics covered in this book are evangelism; hospitality; education; homosexuality; church planting; male and female roles in complementarity; hermeneutics; dating; marriage; parenting; foster care; adoption; and worship.

The author writes in an entertaining way, and yet shares insights with tremendous depth and cogent logic. My wife and I have both enjoyed discussing the variety of topics brought forth by Butterfield and are grateful for her wisdom and biblical insight. Though we don’t agree with all of Butterfield’s conclusions we especially appreciated her honesty; critique of Christian legalism; and insights into reaching out to those who identify themselves in any way other than “Christian.”

As a pastor in a very secular community I was given many illustrations that will help me become better at reaching out to those who are “outsiders” of our church community. I am grateful that Rosaria has shared her “secret thoughts” publicly. As a result I think that my wife and I have been equipped to be “salt and light” in our community and will be more effective in our outreach to those who desperately need Christ (as do we) in our community.

Rosaria is to be commended for her service to our Lord as a Christian wife, mother, educator, evangelist, and disciple maker. Any follower of Christ would be encouraged in their pursuit of Christlikeness and better reflect His inner and outer beauty as a result of reading and practicing the wisdom articulated in this delightful book.

Book Review on Stu Weber’s “Four Pillars Of A Man’s Heart”

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“Required Reading For Every Man”

Book Review By Dr. David P. Craig

I’m one of those guys who is always about ten to twenty years behind on the latest books, television shows and movies. Stu Weber’s book came out many years ago (In the 1990’s) but as I prepared for a men’s retreat I’ll be leading in a few weeks I think this book stood out more than all the others I read as a book I would whole-heartedly recommend to any man. I missed it when it first came out, but I’m sure glad I read it. I would argue that this book is more relevant today than when Weber first penned it.

Many Christian men are clueless today about what it means to be a man. If men take their cues from our culture they are in serious trouble. However, if they look to the Scriptures for guidance they will find exactly what they need to know about biblical manhood. Stu Weber provides an essential guide to biblical manhood in this book. He identifies what he calls the “Four Pillars of Biblical Manhood.” These pillars when functioning in balance make for a man who is strong and balanced in the way that God designed him to be.

The four pillars (all found in Genesis 2:15-18) in a man’s heart are that he is to be a provider (King); protector (Warrior); teacher (Mentor); and a connector (Friend). If he is out of balance in any of these areas it will lead to chaos. However, if he is balanced in these areas of his life with his relationships; work; and ministry it will result in a tremendous impact on his marriage; family; church; and community/nation.

Weber has written a book that is biblical; full of illustrations and applications; and that is theologically sound. He defines, identifies, and explains clearly God’s design for men in a way that is logical and practical. This is a book that any man of any age will find encouragement, hope, and motivation to be all that he was designed to be for the purposes of God as a man in his brief time on earth.

8 THINGS EVERY CHILD NEEDS

baby imageEvery Child Needs…

At least one adult who is a positive role model.

To feel accepted.

Recognition.

A sense of belonging.

To feel safe and secure.

Some control over his or her environment.

Social interaction skills.

To accept responsibility for his or her behavior.

*SOURCE: Leah Davies condensed from http://www.kellybear.com

MARY’S MODEL FOR MOTHERS

Mary

By Luma Simms

For a mom living in an age where definitions of motherhood have become plastic, my radar is up for solid models of godly motherhood. We must not overlook one such model — Mary.

Many women were loved and blessed by God in the Scriptures, but one in particular was highly favored by God. The Angel Gabriel was sent to her to say:

Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you! . . . Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. (Luke 1:2830)

Of all the women in history, God chose Mary, set this peculiar favor on her, and gave all moms a model to study closely.

A Personal Mother

Mary was no womb-for-hire. She was not a surrogate mother God used, paid off, and sent away. Mary was a real mother to her son, Jesus. In her very real pregnancy she experienced a real labor and a real delivery. Mary went through all this as a flesh and blood woman. She delivered him in the same manner that mothers have been delivering babies since Eve. And Mary nursed Jesus at her breast with real colostrum until her milk came in. And when her milk came in, she probably nursed him for close to two years, as was the custom in those days.

Mary’s firstborn child was Jesus. Scripture tells us that Jesus lived a sinless childhood. Think about your toddler throwing a tantrum — Jesus never did that. What of the child that doesn’t make his bed or do his chores — Jesus never did that. Jesus was an obedient son and Mary had the privilege but also the heavy responsibility of parenting a perfect (in the fullest sense of that word) child along with the other children. Think about the wisdom and temperance a mother in that situation needs.

Mary was a personal mother to Jesus. He was her human son. All the hugs, kisses, and love we pour on our children — Mary must have done the same with Jesus.

A Pondering Mother

Many times in the Gospels we read about Mary “observing” and “pondering.” These are marks of a deep and thoughtful woman. Although Mary was young and poor, she was by no means uneducated. She knew her Scriptures.

But it’s clear Mary had more than head knowledge. She had a fruitful faith, and this becomes clear in Mary’s response to the Angel Gabriel in humility and her acquiescence to a providence that would subject herself to public shame and hardship. We see her faith as she stood by her son all the way to the end. She was there at the cross. And Gabriel’s words, well pondered no doubt, were ringing in her ears.

A Submissive Mother

For me, Mary has been the prime example of a submissive woman. Mary’s submission has always struck me as a contented yielding — not servility. This kind of submission is attended with dignity, courage, honor, and grace. It is neither slavish nor degrading.

We see it first in her interaction with Gabriel. She questions him, but not with faithlessness or impudence. The fact that Gabriel answers her instead of rebuking her, as he did to Zechariah, reveals much about Mary’s response.

The words I hope to speak are the words Mary does speak to Gabriel: “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38).

I shiver whenever I read these words. A poor young virgin has just been told that she will become pregnant in a culture where the penalty for that is stoning to death!

This is the contented yielding of a faith-filled young woman whose trust in God was deep.

In Mary’s relationship with Joseph, and particularly in her three big moves, she is submissive. Joseph says they will go to Bethlehem — she goes. Joseph says they have to flee to Egypt — she goes. Joseph says they will settle down in Nazareth when returning from Egypt — she goes. The fact that she never let her encounter with the Angel Gabriel puff her up nor used it against Joseph, speaks of her true humility.

She could have legitimately doubted Joseph — after all, God only spoke to him in a dream (and you never know about dreams), whereas Mary had been visited by a high-ranking angelic being!

Her deep contented yielding is a mark of the fruit of the Spirit.

A Model for Moms

Puritan Bible Commentator Matthew Henry says of Mary, “We have here an account given of the mother of our Lord, of whom he was to be born, whom, though we are not to pray to, yet we ought to praise God for.”

Indeed, we should praise God for Mary!

Mary has much to teach all women of all ages and all situations, as well as being a model for mothers: Unshaken trust in God, thoughtfully understanding, a lover of the Bible, humbly gracious, sacrificial, and content in her yielding.

This Christmas season, as we meditate on the Lord of glory who came as a real baby boy, may we also spend a little time meditating on the kind of mother God providentially ordained for him — Mary, a beautiful model for all moms.

SOURCE: December 21, 2013 @ http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/mary-s-model-for-mothers

Ray Pritchard on How To Pray For Your Wayward Child

Praying for Your Prodigal – Ephesians 1:18

Prodigal sons return

Sermon by Ray Pritchard preached in June 2006 – I received an email with a heartrending question:

I have a daughter that I don’t believe is saved. I pray for her but often times I can’t. I suppose that I’m angry she isn’t responding and feel incapable of helping her. What can I pray for on a daily basis so that she will come to Christ? At times I feel such sorrow, thinking she might go to hell.

This parent speaks for mothers and fathers everywhere who pray for their prodigal children, often for years, with seemingly no results. I do not doubt that praying parents must at some point feel like giving up, and it must be hard not to get angry when you see your children repeatedly making bad choices or showing no interest in the gospel. What do you do then? How do you keep believing for your own prodigal son or daughter? When I use the word “prodigal,” I’m referring to anyone who has drifted away or run away or totally rejected their Christian heritage. It could refer to a college student who simply stops going to church or to a man who thinks he doesn’t need “religion” or to someone who becomes an atheist. A prodigal could be someone who gets so busy in their career that they have no time for God. In all those cases, the prodigal was raised in a Christian home or had a Christian background and for some reason no longer lives for the Lord. In thinking about cases like this, we often wonder if the prodigal is saved or lost. The answer is, only God knows because only he can read the heart. We see the outside and to us, it may be easy to conclude that the person we thought we knew so well was never saved in the first place. But our knowledge is limited. While the prodigal may appear to have totally rejected his background and he may give all the appearances of being lost, only God knows for certain.In thinking about hard questions, it’s crucial that we start in the right place. Nowhere is this more important than when we pray for our prodigal sons and daughters. Because we have so much invested in them, we may be tempted to give up because the pain of praying when nothing seems to be happening finally becomes overwhelming. After I wrote about this topic on my weblog, I received the following email from a distraught father:

What about prodigals who have been saved and walk away from everything they know to be true? Our daughter has been drifting and living a sinful lifestyle for the past two years. She has recently chosen to totally walk in the ways of the world. She is involved in an abusive relationship and has turned her back on her parents/brothers. This is a young lady who is musically gifted, loves people, and has served the Lord since she was 3 years old. We are a Christian family and have always been close knit. She and I have always had a strong relationship emotionally and spiritually until she got involved with the abusive boyfriend. She has given up everything she loves and has lost her identity. She continues to cut off all communication with us. It is breaking our hearts and we try our hardest to trust the Lord and believe He alone can rescue her from herself. I guess I am just looking for some words of wisdom and encouragement on how we can be the “hope givers” in her life.

Stories like this could be multiplied. And not just about our children. A prodigal may be a pastor who ran off with a woman in his church and now has rejected his family and his faith. It might refer to a brother who used to be an Awana leader who now refuses to go to church at all. It could refer to a former best friend who now lives an openly homosexual lifestyle. You may have learned about Jesus from someone who now rejects the very faith they once taught you. Very often prodigals start out as people who, having been deeply hurt by the circumstances of life, feel abandoned or cheated or mistreated by God.

�A godly mother prays for her wayward son. He was raised in the church, he went to Sunday School, he knows the Bible, but when he left home, he left it all behind. For many years she has prayed for him but to this day he remains a prodigal son. �A wife prays for her husband who left her after twenty-three years of marriage for a younger woman. He seems utterly unreachable and the marriage heads swiftly for divorce.

�A husband prays for his wife who has terminal cancer. She has six, maybe seven months to live. None of the treatments stop the rampaging tumors. The elders anoint her with oil and pray over her in the name of the Lord. She dies five months later.

�A young man prays fervently for deliverance from an overpowering temptation, but the struggle never seems to end. The more he prays, the worse the temptation becomes.

And so we cry out with the Psalmist, “Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1)

 Calvin And Hobbes

You wouldn’t think that such a serious subject would make it to the comic strips, but I happened to find it there a few years ago. The comic strip is called “Calvin and Hobbes.” It’s late November and a little boy is waiting with his sled for the first big snowfall. He waits and waits but all he finds is brown grass … and no snow.So he says, “If I was in charge, we’d never see grass between October and May. Then, looking to the heavens, he says, “On ’three,’ ready? One … Two … Three. SNOW!” Nothing happens and the little boy is downcast. Then he shouts to the heavens, “I said snow! C’mon! Snow!” Then shaking his fists he cries, “SNOW!” Now thoroughly disgusted with God’s failure, he says, “Ok then, don’t snow! See what I care! I like this weather! Let’s have it forever!”

But his defiance does not last. In the next frame we see the little boy on his knees offering this prayer, “Please snow! Please?? Just a foot! Ok, eight inches! That’s all! C’mon! Six inches, even! How about just six?? Then he looks to heaven and shouts, “I’m WAAIITING …”

In the next frame we see him running in a circle, head down, fists clenched, making a little-boy sound which the artist spells out as “RRRRGGHHH.” That’s not an English word but every parent has heard it many times. Finally, the little boy is exhausted, his energy spent, his prayer unanswered, with snow nowhere in sight. In the final frame, he looks up at God and cries out in utter desperation, “Do you want me to become an atheist?”

There are many Christian people who feel just like that little boy, only they have prayed for things much more important than a few inches of snow but the end result has been the same. And in their frustration and despair they have cried out to God, “Do you want me to become an atheist?” Some of them have. Most haven’t, but the pain turns many of them into prodigals.

The Heart Has Eyes

At this point we come face to face with the crucial importance of good theology. We need to be reminded that an astounding miracle lies at the heart of our faith. We believe something absolutely incredible–that a man who was dead came back to life on the third day. We believe that God raised him from the dead. Now if God would do that for his Son, indeed if God has the power to raise the dead, who are we to question God’s power to change the hardest hearts? After all, if you go to the cemetery and stay there waiting for a resurrection, you’ll wait a long time. There are lots of people going in and no one coming out. You will see plenty of funerals and no resurrections. What are the chances that a man who had been tortured and then crucified and then buried in a tomb would be raised from the dead? The odds would seem to be against it. You can’t start with what your eyes see or what you can figure out. And you can’t trust your feelings in something like this because your emotions can play tricks on you. We must therefore start with God who can raise the dead, not with the person who is spiritually dead.If it is God alone who can raise the dead, then our focus must be on God alone.

Here are three verses that will help us as we think about praying for our prodigals:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23 NIV).

“The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Proverbs 21:1 NKJV).

“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened” (Ephesians 1:18 NASB).

The heart has eyes. Did you know that? When Paul speaks of “your heart,” he’s not referring to the organ in your chest that pumps blood throughout your body. The term “heart” refers to what we might call “the real you,” the place inside where the decisions of life are made. The heart is the place where you decide what values you will live by and what direction you will go and how you will live your life each day. Every important decision you make starts in your heart. And your heart has eyes that can be open or closed. When the eyes of your heart are closed to the light of God, you stumble blindly through life, making one dumb choice after another. You fall into sinful patterns, you break God’s laws, you end up driving into the ditch, you make the same mistakes over and over again, and you enter one dead-end relationship after another. Why? Because the eyes of your heart are shut and you lack moral vision. The light of God is shut out of your life. That means you can see and be blind at the same time. That is, you can have 20/20 vision with your physical eyes, but the eyes of your heart can be blind to the light of God. There are lots of people like that in the world. Physically they can see but spiritually they are totally blind.

 Get off the Bench and Into the Game

That describes many young people raised in the church. They know God but their eyes are so filled with the things of the world that they are blind to the truth. Let me illustrate. Here we have a young man who has been raised in a Christian home. He’s been going to church for years—Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, children’s ministry, and the youth group. Now he goes off to college and at last he’s on his own. He meets a girl and they start dating. Soon they are sleeping together. When his parents hear about it, they are furious and worried and upset and they wonder what to do. They argue and plead and cajole and threaten and quote Scripture, all to no avail. What is the problem? It is precisely this: The eyes of his heart are closed to the truth of God. And until those eyes are opened, all the yelling in the world won’t make much difference. A few years ago I met with a young woman who had been part of our church’s youth ministry. She came to see me at the request of her mother who was at her wit’s end in dealing with her daughter. The young woman was sweet and friendly and very open when we met. We talked for a while about this and that, and finally I came to the point. When she went off to college, she met a boy she liked, they started dating, and now they were sleeping together. This much the mother had confided to me. Was it true? The young lady answered yes. I knew it wouldn’t do any good for me to argue with her because she and her mother had been arguing about it for quite a while. But I did ask if she thought it was wrong to sleep with her boy friend. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I guess so.” Her answer wasn’t really defiant and she didn’t seem angry. In fact, she was very friendly and not rebellious in her manner. She was just a nice girl, raised in the church, who now slept with her boyfriend at college. And what’s wrong with that?As we were talking, an illustration came into my mind. Whenever you watch a football game, you’ll usually see three different groups of players. The first group is the players on the field. They give all they have on every single play. The second group is on the sidelines. They stand together, watching the action the field, waiting for their turn to get into the game. But often there is a third group of players who don’t seem very interested in the game. They sit on the bench laughing and talking and goofing off. Sometimes they turn around and wave to the people in the stands. They could care less whether their team is winning or losing because they’re just along for the ride. As far as the team is concerned, they might as well not be there at all. I explained all of that to the young lady and made this application. Living for Christ means that you’re playing on his team. You’re either on the bench or you’re in the game. “Your problem is, you’re sitting on the bench goofing off when you ought to be in the game serving the Lord. Bench warmers sit around, goof off, laugh, cut up, and trade jokes while the game is going on. If you ever decide to get in the game, you won’t have time to do the things you do now.”

If our young people sleep around, or if they get drunk on the weekends, if they cheat and cut corners, if they are rebellious and unmotivated, those things are only symptoms of a deeper, more fundamental issue. They’ve never made a personal commitment to get serious about Jesus Christ. They’re sitting on the bench when they ought to be in the game. And I tell you this with total certainty, once you get into the game, once Christ becomes the center of your life, no one will have to tell you not to sleep around, and no one will have to tell you, “Don’t get drunk on the weekends.” You just won’t do it. Once the eyes of your heart are opened, the light of God’s truth will come flooding in and you’ll never look at anything the same away again. Sometimes we worry too much about the symptoms without dealing with the root issues of life. We should pray, “Open the eyes of their heart, Lord,” because when that happens, life will radically change. They will grab their helmet and get in the ballgame for the Lord. They’ll go to the huddle and say, “You call the play, Lord. I’m ready to do whatever you say.”

 “I Just Don’t See It”

Opening blind eyes is the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. He and he alone can do it. But he can do it, and this is the source of our hope. We see this principle very clearly when we witness to those who don’t know Christ. After sharing the gospel with them as best we can, sometimes they will say, “I just don’t see it.” That’s not an excuse. They truly don’t see it. That’s why you can talk to a lost person until you are blue in the face and it will do no good. You can quote Billy Graham, Josh McDowell, Francis Schaeffer, and if you’re creative, you can throw in some John Calvin and Martin Luther. Quote Abraham Lincoln and Mike Ditka if you like. It will do no good. You can quote Scripture all day long and the lost will still be lost. Until their eyes are opened, they will not “see” the truth about Christ.What is the answer? We must pray for the lost that God will open their eyes, give life in place of death, enable them to hear, create within them a desire to understand, give them a hunger for Jesus, and then grant them faith to believe the gospel. In short, as we prepare to share Christ with others, we must fervently pray that God will go before us. When we pray for the lost, we are saying to God, “You go first! If you don’t go first, all our efforts will be in vain.”

This is why we pray for our children and grandchildren and for our family members and for friends and loved ones who today are far from God. As our children grow older, we discover over and over again how little control we have over them. We cannot compel their obedience because we cannot compel their hearts. But we can pray and cry out to God and say, “O Lord, open the eyes of their heart. Help them to see the light of truth.” If you have a prodigal daughter, pray like this: “Lord, open the eyes of her heart so that she can see Jesus.” That prayer is so simple and yet so profound. Apart from God’s grace, we all have the same problem. Our hearts are closed and we cannot see the truth. Only God can open the eyes of the heart. When God opens those eyes, she will see the truth and light from heaven will come flooding in. Do not focus on her going to hell. Focus your prayers on God and his power to change her heart. Ask our Father to do what only he can do—open the eyes of her heart so that she will come to know him.

A Mother’s Tears

One of my favorite stories about the power of prayer to reclaim a prodigal is over 1600 years old. It begins with a woman named Monica who was raised by Christian parents in North Africa. When she was old enough, her parents arranged a marriage to a pagan man. Evidently the marriage was very difficult because of divided spiritual loyalties. Monica and her husband had three children who survived. Two of them followed Christ but one son left the faith of his childhood. By his own admission, he chose the path of worldly pleasure. For many years he lived with a mistress and together they gave birth to a son out of wedlock. He broke his mother’s heart by joining a religious cult. Monica prayed for 17 years that her son would return to Christ and to the church. Looking back, her son said that she watered the earth with her tears for him, praying more for his spiritual death than most mothers pray over the physical death of a child. She fasted and prayed and asked God to save her son. One day she went to see the bishop and with tears asked why her son was still living in sin. The bishop replied with words that have become famous across the centuries: “It is not possible that the son of so many tears should perish. Your son will be saved.” He was right. It took several more years of fervent praying but eventually Monica’s son came to Christ. His name is Augustine. We know him today as St. Augustine. He is universally regarded as one of the greatest thinkers in Christian history. Sixteen centuries later his books and writings are still in print. He makes it clear in his Confessions that his mother prayed him to Jesus. She would not give up and eventually God answered her prayers.I think the bishop was right when he said, “It is not possible that the son of so many tears should perish.” How precious are a mother’s tears! There is no substance on earth more valuable than the tears of a godly mother. There are mothers and grandmothers who have prayed their children and their grandchildren to Christ. There are mothers and grandmothers who have seen their children in the “far country” of sin and have prayed them step by step back to the Father’s House. When everyone else gave up, godly women laid hold of heaven and claimed their offspring in Jesus’ name. And God heard those prayers and answered them.

Please do not misunderstand. I do not believe that our prayers contain merit in and of themselves. But God has ordained both the means and the ends of salvation. And the two chief means of salvation are fervent prayer and the proclamation of his Word. We pray because everything depends on God, and we preach because the gospel is the power of God for salvation. Your prayers are part of heaven’s plan to reach out to the prodigals in your life and bring them back to God. If you are heavily burdened for a loved one, you may be sure that that burden does not come simply from yourself. The burden is a gift from God, a token of his mercy toward the prodigal who at this moment cares nothing for the Lord. Your prayers are thus an indispensable link in the chain of God’s purposes.

I met a woman recently who told me that she prayed for fifty years for her brother to be saved. For most of that time, he showed little interest in spiritual things. But through an amazing series of events, he saw his need of Christ and embraced him as his Savior. For the last six years, he grew in his love for the Lord and he made his faith known to everyone. When he died in March, he died as a Christian, trusting in Christ to the very end. Fifty years is a long time to pray. I’m sure the woman must have felt like giving up many times. Surely it sometimes seemed hopeless to her. But God granted her faith to keep praying and not to lose heart. Eventually her prayers were answered with the miracle of her brother’s conversion. How happy she was when she told the story. And rightly so. Lest we miss it, let me make the theological point very clearly. Salvation is of the Lord, but that does not mean that our prayers do not matter. Our prayers are part of God’s plan to bring the lost to Christ.

A few days ago I received this email from a man I have never met:

I am one of those who never thought my older brother would ever be saved. I had lost all hope for him. Then, May 18 of this year I visited him in the hospital in Missouri (I live in Arkansas) and led him to the Lord. He cried like a baby afterwards and testified to his nurse a few minutes later when she came into his room. BTW, he is 75 and I am 73 and I have prayed for him for many years. God is faithful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 God is a Better Parent Than We Are

Finally here is one more email that arrived from a mother whose prayers have not yet been answered:

Our third son is a prodigal, (although I suppose we are ALL prodigals in some fashion!). I have experienced a depth of relationship with God that I didn’t know before mothering a prodigal. God has continued to walk this road of parenting with us, revealing his character to us, and growing us through the trials. Before, I didn’t understand the joy in trials that James 1:2-4 speaks of quite like I do now. It is an opportunity to become mature in our faith as we have heartbreak and disappointment in different situations. I thank God for our son actually. He has been, and is the iron that sharpens me. I trust that God is working deep in his heart, even though the outside doesn’t often look that way. I believe that someday his eyes will be opened, and God will remove his heart of stone will give him a heart of flesh! And the renewing of his heart and his mind will be a great testimony to God and who he is.

Everything I have been trying to say is in that email. Here is a mother who has grown spiritually as she has prayed for her son who at this moment is still far from the Lord. Instead of becoming bitter, she has been changed on the inside and brought closer to the Lord. God often uses the prodigals in our lives to bring us closer to him. As long as we try to control our loved ones, either through anger or through our tears or by arguing with them or complaining about them to others, as long as we focus on them, they will not change–and neither will we. Sometimes in our despair, we become prodigals ourselves because our anger at them has ruined our own walk with the Lord. As we pray for our prodigals, we must remember that the first change needs to happen in us. Until we are changed, and our anger is turned to love, we will become bitter and hardened ourselves. And that can happen even though we go to church every Sunday, pray the prayers, sing the songs, serve the Lord, and do all the outward things the church asks us to do. At that point we ourselves have become prodigals just as surely as the loved one for whom we are praying. Notice two key sentences in this woman’s note: “I thank God for our son actually. He has been, and is the iron that sharpens me.” Those are the words of a woman whose heart has been softened and not hardened as she has prayed for her son. The change we seek in others must start in our heart first. I believe God will answer that mother’s prayer sooner or later. A few years ago, when we needed some encouragement, the Lord put this thought into my wife’s heart: “God is a better parent than we are.” No matter how much we love our children, he loves them even more. No matter how much we want the best for them, he wants it even more than we do, and he truly knows what it is best. Not only that, he can see from where they are to where he wants them to be, and no matter where the starting point is, he knows how to lead them from here to there. He does it infallibly, with an abundance of wisdom, a generous helping of tender mercy, and he wastes nothing along the way. Sometimes parents look at their children, especially when they seem to be far from the Lord, and we feel hopeless or guilty or angry or frustrated, or maybe all of the above, and we wonder where God is in the midst of our pain. There are many ways to answer that, but this much is certain. He is not silent or absent or uncaring. Nor is he stumped or surprised by young people who seem to have rejected all they have been taught.

God is a better parent than we are. That’s really good news for those times when we’ve blown it. Because he loves our children far more than we do, he will lead them even when they don’t know they are being led. He can bring them back to himself, though the road back may be long and hard and torturous, though it may seem to go in circles or even be going backwards for a season.

At some point we must relinquish our children into his hands and say, “Lord, they belong to you. Always have, always will.” They never were ours to start with. It is so hard to yield them to the Lord, but it is made easier if we remember that his love never fails, that he knows what he is doing, and that he is a better parent than we are.

Do you have a loved one who is far from the Lord? Does it seem totally impossible that he or she will ever change? Do you get angry thinking about their foolish choices? Do your prayers seem useless to you? Pay no attention to your feelings. There is more going on in the heart of your loved one that you can know.

Don’t give up.

Keep on praying.

Keep believing.

You never know what God will do.

When you pray for a loved one who seems hardened against the Lord, pray that the eyes of their heart might be opened so that the light of God can come flooding in. And if that seems hopeless, at least it puts the hopeless case at God’s doorstep, which is where it belongs. On Saturday night there was a “hopeless case” in the Garden Tomb. On Sunday morning the whole world changed. You never know what God will do, so keep on believing and keep on praying. God specializes in impossible situations, and he loves to prove that hopeless cases aren’t hopeless after all.

So never give up. Pray, pray and keep on praying. Your prayers accomplish more than you have ever dreamed.

© Keep Believing Ministries

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About Ray Pritchard:

Ray Pritchard image

Dr. Ray Pritchard serves as president of Keep Believing Ministries. He has ministered extensively overseas in China, Bolivia, Columbia, Paraguay, Belize, Haiti, Nigeria, Switzerland, Russia, India and Nepal. He is a frequent conference speaker and guest on Christian radio and television talk shows. He has written 27 books, including Stealth AttackFire and RainThe Healing Power of ForgivenessAn Anchor for the SoulThe Incredible Journey of Faith,The ABCs of WisdomLeadership Lessons of Jesus (with Bob Briner)Why Did This Happen to Me?, and Credo: Believing in Something to Die For.

For 26 years he pastored churches in Los Angeles, Dallas and Chicago. Most recently he pastored Calvary Memorial Church in Oak Park, IL for sixteen years. He is a graduate of Tennessee Temple University (B.A.), Dallas Theological Seminary (Th.M.) and Talbot School of Theology (D.Min.). He has been married to Marlene for 37 years. Their three sons (Josh, Mark and Nick) have spent time in recent years teaching English in China. Josh and Leah were married in July 2006. They have one son, Knox, who was born in August 2010. Mark and Vanessa were married in July 2007. They have one son, Eli, who was born in July 2011. His hobbies include biking, surfing the Internet, anything related to the Civil War, and playing with Dudley and Gary, their very excellent basset hounds.

Book Review on Bear Grylls “To My Sons: Lessons For the Wild Adventure Called LIfe”

Inspiring Quotes From an Inspirational Dad – Reviewed by David P. Craig

TMS Grylls

Anyone who has ever watched Bear Grylls’ adventures on “Man vs. Wild” can’t help but amazed at his spirit of adventure, ingenuity, courage, wisdom, and passion for life. In this little book Bear Grylls gives his favorite Bible verses, life quotes, and wisdom and dedicates this collection to his boys. It is a wonderful compilation for any Father to seek to implement in his own life and emulate for the lives of his children. Grylls emphasizes a love for Jesus Christ, a love for others, and maximizing your time in life by serving others. Let me share some of my favorite quotes from the book:

“Aim to live a wild, generous, full, exciting life–blessing those around you and seeing the good in all.”

“Have a few close friends who you see often–their friendship matters more than having many shallow acquaintances.”

“Choose your job carefully–do work that excites you. It is where you will spend so much of your time.”

“Cheerfulness in adversity is a key character trait in the game of life.”

“Moments of doubt are part of life. Accept them and remember that Jesus Himself said, ‘My power is made perfect in weakness’ (2 Corinthians 12:9).”

“Understand that failure is an essential stepping-stone on the road to success.”

“Give more than you take, especially with friends and family. See the best in people–as Christ does with you.”

“Spend more time with your family and less at work–no one on their deathbed says they wish thye had spent more time in the office!”

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

“You have two ears and one mouth–use them in proportion: Listen twice as much as you speak!

“But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth” (Deuteronomy 8:18).

Thank God for your many blessings; then go out there and blossom. It is okay to succeed.”

I recommend this little book – especially for dads to share with their children. It would make an excellent gift for Father’s day, and a great gift for father’s to give to their sons when they become dads someday.

Wisdom For Parents in Communicating With Your Child

Child playing at the Beach

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear, she learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity, she learns to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with jealousy, she learns to feel guilty

If a child lives with encouragement, she learns to be self-confident.

If a child lives with tolerance,she learns to be patient.

If a child lives with praise, she learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance, she learns to love.

If a child lives with approval, she learns to like herself.

If a child lives with recognition, she learns to have a goal.

If a child lives with fairness, she learns what justice is.

If a child lives with honesty, she learns what truth is.

If a child lives with sincerity, she learns to have faith in herself, and those around her.

If a child lives with love, she learns that the world is a wonderful place to live.

– Dorothy Law Nolte

John Piper – 12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child

suffering image man with hand over head

Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I’ve never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.

1. Point them to Christ.

Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don’t see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them—and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions—is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.

2. Pray.

Only God can save your son or daughter, so keep on asking that he will display himself to them in a way they can’t resist worshiping him for.

3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.

If your daughter rejects Jesus, don’t pretend everything is fine.

For every unbelieving child, the details will be different. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. If your child is an unbeliever, don’t ignore it. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won’t be.

4. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like.

If your son is not a Christian, he’s not going to act like one.

You know that he has forsaken the faith, so don’t expect him to live by the standards you raised him with. For example, you might be tempted to say, “I know you’re struggling with believing in Jesus, but can’t you at least admit that getting wasted every day is sin?”

If he’s struggling to believe in Jesus, then there is very little significance in admitting that drunkenness is wrong. You want to protect him, yes. But his unbelief is the most dangerous problem—not partying. No matter how your child’s unbelief exemplifies itself in his behavior, always be sure to focus more on the heart’s sickness than its symptoms.

5. Welcome them home.

Because the deepest concern is not your child’s actions, but his heart, don’t create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, it is God giving you a chance to love him back to Jesus. Obviously there are some instances in which parents must give ultimatums: “Don’t come to this house if you are…” But these will be rare. Don’t lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by too many rules.

If your daughter smells like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she’s pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her twenty-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you’ve been forgiven, don’t give him any more money, and let him come home. If he hasn’t been around for a week and a half because he’s been staying at his girlfriend’s—or boyfriend’s—apartment, plead with him not to go back, and let him come home.

6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.

Be gentle in your disappointment.

What really concerns you is that your child is destroying herself, not that she’s breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows—especially if she was raised as a Christian—that what she’s doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is. So she doesn’t need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.

Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Parents ought to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that they want their child to return to.

7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.

There are two kinds of access that you may not have to your child: geographical and relational. If your wayward son lives far away, try to find a solid believer in his area and ask him to contact your son. This may seem nosy or stupid or embarrassing to him, but it’s worth it—especially if the believer you find can also relate to your son emotionally in a way you can’t.

Relational distance will also be a side effect of your child leaving the faith, so your relationship will be tenuous and should be protected if at all possible. But hard rebuke is still necessary.

This is where another believer who has emotional access to your son may be very helpful. If there is a believer who your son trusts and perhaps even enjoys being around, then that believer has a platform to tell your son—in a way he may actually pay attention to—that he’s being an idiot. This may sound harsh, but it’s a news flash we all need from time to time, and people we trust are usually the only ones who can package a painful rebuke so that it is a gift to us.

A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they’re being fools—and it is rare that this can helpfully be pointed out by their parents—so try to keep other Christians in your kids lives.

8. Respect their friends.

Honor your wayward child in the same way you’d honor any other unbeliever. They may run with crowds you’d never consider talking to or even looking at, but they are your child’s friends. Respect that—even if the relationship is founded on sin. They’re bad for your son, yes. But he’s bad for them, too. Nothing will be solved by making it perfectly evident that you don’t like who he’s hanging around with.

When your son shows up for a family birthday celebration with another girlfriend—one you’ve never seen before and probably won’t see again—be hospitable. She’s also someone’s wayward child, and she needs Jesus, too.

9. Email them.

Praise God for technology that lets you stay in your kids’ lives so easily!

When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation for them is positive examples of Christ’s joy in your own life.

Don’t stress out when you’re composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out one after another, and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child’s inbox. God’s word is never proclaimed in vain.

10. Take them to lunch.

If possible, don’t let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it’s far worse to be in the child’s shoes—he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.

It will feel almost hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but try to anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, pray that the Lord will give you the gumption to ask about his soul. You don’t know how he’ll respond.  Will he roll his eyes like you’re an idiot? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don’t know until you risk asking.

(Here’s a note to parents of younger children: Set up regular times to go out to eat with your kids. Not only will this be valuable for its own sake, but also, if they ever enter a season of rebellion, the tradition of meeting with them will already be in place and it won’t feel weird to ask them out to lunch. If a son has been eating out on Saturdays with his dad since he was a tot, it will be much harder for him later in life to say no to his father’s invitation—even as a surly nineteen-year-old.)

11. Take an interest in their pursuits.

Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will probably disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was ten; what can you do now that she’s twenty to show that you still really care about her interests?

Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he wasn’t even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to that dank little nightclub where your daughter’s CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus’ glory instead her own.

12. Point them to Christ.

This can’t be over-stressed. It is the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn’t to help them know Jesus.

Jesus.

It’s not so that they will be good kids again; it’s not so that they’ll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it’s not so that they’ll like classical music instead of deathcore; it’s not so that you can stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study; it’s not so that they’ll vote conservative again by the next election; it’s not even so that you can sleep at night, knowing they’re not going to hell.

The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, email them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Christ.

And not only is he the only point—he’s the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He will replace the pathetic vanity of the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the orgasm that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only his grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to himself—captive, but satisfied.

He will do this for many. Be faithful and don’t give up.

©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Used by Permission.

Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on our website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Desiring God.

Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. May 9, 2007 ©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org

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