Series: Friday Humor # 23
Craig’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Craig replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty one; your hair, twenty three; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Craig interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet.”
Series: Friday Humor #22
Brief History:
The questions:
Over a generation ago, in 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what
ultimatelybecame of them…?
The answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, Shot himself……
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the IGFA Champion and the winner of the most important Fishing Tournament was Eredio Munoz, Sr.
What became of him?
He continued fishing and eating his catch until he was 99, died at the age of 100.
He was alert and financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral of this history lesson:
Forget work……..!
GO FISHING………… !
You’ll live longer and be better off in the end!
Series: Friday Humor #21
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back and stuck it on the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that the card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”
Series: Friday Humor #20
Jack Benny (born Benjamin Kubelsky; February 14, 1894 – December 26, 1974) was an American comedian, vaudevillian, radio, television, and film actor, and a notable violinist. Recognized as a leading American entertainer of the 20th century, Benny portrayed character roles as a miser, and playing the violin badly. In character, he would be 39 years of age, regardless of his actual age at the time.
Jack Benny was invited to visit the White House. A guard stopped him and asked what he had in the violin case he was carrying. “A machine gun,” said Benny solemnly. With the same solemnity, the guard said, “Oh, okay enter. I was afraid for a moment that it was your violin.”
Failure doesn’t mean that you are a failure; it does mean you haven’t yet succeeded.
Failure doesn’t mean that you have accomplished nothing;
it does mean that you have learned something.
Failure doesn’t mean that you have been a fool; it does mean you have a lot of faith.
Failure doesn’t mean that you have been disgraced; it does mean that you were willing to try.
Failure doesn’t mean you don’t have it; it does mean you have to do something in a different way.
Failure doesn’t mean you are inferior; it does mean you are not perfect.
Failure doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your life; it does mean you can start afresh.
Failure doesn’t mean you should give up; it does mean you must try harder.
Failure doesn’t mean you will never make it; it does mean it will take a little longer.
Failure doesn’t mean God has abandoned you; it does mean God has a better way.
– Author unknown
Friday Humor #19 – From Set Forth Your Case by Clark Pinnock
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a man who thought he was dead. His concerned wife and friends sent him to the friendly neighborhood psychiatrist. The psychiatrist determined to cure him by convincing him of one fact that contradicted his belief that he was dead. The psychiatrist decided to simply use the simple truth that dead men do not bleed. He put his patient to work reading medical texts, observing autopsies, etc. After weeks of effort, the patient finally said, “All right, all right! You’ve convinced me. Dead men do not bleed.” Whereupon the psychiatrist stuck him in the arm with a needle, and the blood flowed. The man looked down with a contorted, ashen face and cried: “Good Lord! Dead men bleed after all!”
*Note: Set Forth Your Case is a pretty good book on Apologetics, but I wouldn’t endorse any of Pinnock’s books on Soteriology (the Doctrine of Salvation); Theology Proper (the Doctrine of God) or Bibliology (the Doctrine of Scripture). As a theologian Pinnock abandoned his earlier held (orthodox) beliefs as he got older and embraced Open Theism and denied biblical Inerrancy; he also held to several other aberrant views that are embraced by most Orthodox Evangelicals. (DPC).
Friday Humor # 18 Church Ladies With TypewritersThey’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
————————–At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
————————–The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
————————–The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
And this one just about sums them all upThe Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’
Series: Friday Humor #17
Fred, Ted and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Fred will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Ted will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps.
After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.”
20 Great Questions To Ask When Choosing a Career
Choosing a career is the most significant investment of your life and time that you will make. The selection of a career field obviously will determine what you will be doing during this time, what kind of life-style you will enjoy, and your level of fulfillment. However few will select a career field and stay with it for their entire adult lives. The average person graduating from college today will have four separate careers and several jobs with each career. As a result, your criteria for career selection will be very important to you. Choose wisely! Here are some questions to ask that may help. – Bobb Biehl, The Questions Book, p.41.
(1) What contribution would I like to make to others? No amount of money will offset a career that is not fulfilling. You will be most fulfilled when you know you are in a career that makes a contribution to society and you know your efforts are important to that contribution.
(2) Do I have the proper training to make that contribution? Find out the education and training needed to be an asset to the career field you are considering. In a time of rapid technological change, continuing education will likely be significant to you.
(3) Am I prepared to pay the price the career will demand of me? This question is not simple. You must ask yourself what kind of time and emotional energy will be required in light of your commitment to non work responsibilities.
(4) What is the work environment that allows me to do my best? Do you like working inside or outside? Do you like a fast pace or a slower, more steady routine? Do you like change or predictability?
(5) Where will I be in this job in ten years? Picture your position, your income, and your responsibility ten years from now. Would you be content with what you envision?
(6) Will a person I respect in the career be willing to talk to me about it? Look for someone with gray hair in the career or company you are interested in. The person can provide a wealth of wisdom about what you would be expected to do and what the career might hold for you. Find out the good and the bad. Every job has both.
(7) What would the ideal boss look like? Do you need structure, or do you need lots of freedom? Can you work with a boss who is fairly autocratic, or do you need a more participative style of leadership from your supervisor? Should you be on your own?
(8) What are the ethical challenges I will face? To find this out, you need to talk to an ethical person in the prospective career field. The more you can find out ahead of time, the better you can prepare yourself to keep your integrity.
(9) What is the reputation of the company I’m interested in? Go to the library [internet] and get help in researching articles and information about the company. Find out its reputation among the critics.
(10) What is the market for the product the company offers? Some products have a short-lived life span. Some high-tech companies have products that can become obsolescent in a few years. Your future is tied to the company, so know something about its future.
Other Questions to Consider
(11) Do I need to have increasing levels of responsibility to be happy?
(12) What kind of people will I be working with?
(13) What would an average day look like in this career?
(14) What kind of non work life will I have?
(15) How much travel would I be comfortable with?
(16) Am I open to moving around the country?
(17) What are the annual sales of the company over the last few years?
(18) In what ways will my job challenge me?
(19) What weaknesses could hinder me in this job?
(20) What strengths would make me an asset to this company and career?
Doug Sherman is founder of Career Impact Ministries, a Christian organization that helps business people integrate their faith and vocation. Mr. Sherman’s career started with service in the Air Force Academy and followed with a degree from Dallas Theological Seminary. He is the author of several helpful books on your vocation including: More Than Ordinary: Enjoying Life with God; How to Succeed Where It Really Counts; Keeping Your Head Up When Your Job’s Got You Down and Your Work Matters to God & How to Balance Time Demands (co-authored with William Hendricks).
Friday Humor #16: Some of My Favorite Yogi-isms!
Lawrence Peter Berra played Major League Baseball for 19 years for the New York Yankees. He played on 10 World Series Championship teams, is a MLB Hall of Famer and has some awe-inspiring stats. His name is consistently brought up as one of the best catchers in baseball history, and he was voted to the Team of the Century in 1999.
Amazing accomplishments aside, they probably aren’t how you know Lawrence. You know him as Yogi, a nickname given to him by a friend who likened his cross-legged sitting to a yogi. Yogi is famous for his fractured English, malapropisms and sometimes nonsensical quotes. Here are some of my favorites:
“He must’ve made that picture before he died.”
“I’ve got nothing to say and I’m only going to say it once.”
“Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
“If people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s going to stop them.”
“I don’t care what people say. That’s for them to say.”
“It’s like deja vu all over again.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
“He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
“If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”
“If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up some place else.”
Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”
“The future ain’t what it use to be.”
“I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
On why he no longer went to Ruggeri’s, a St. Louis restaurant: “Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.”
“I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
“We have deep depth.”
“All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Never answer anonymous letters.”
On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: “Thank you for making this day necessary.”
“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”
As a general comment on baseball: “90% of the game is half mental.”
“I don’t know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
“It gets late early out there.”
Reporter: “Yogi, have you made your mind up yet?” Berra: “Not that I know of.”
“Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” -Carmen Berra, Yogi’s wife. “Surprise me.” – Yogi
“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”
“If I had to do it all over again, I would do it over again.”
“It ain’t over till it’s over.”
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