Friday Humor: PUNography

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #50

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus,

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Humor: The Offering

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #47

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven-year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.

As he was shaking his hand he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.

“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”

“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.

“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”

Humor: The Amazing Jewish Samurai

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #46

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only three people showed up for the trials:

…a Japanese Samurai

…a Chinese Samurai

…and a Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor-sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead to the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: “This is impressive!”

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai: for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground…in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: “This is VERY impressive!”

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whooooosh! …But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: “I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?”

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

Friday Humor: R.I.P.

FRIDAY HUMOR #45

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

SOURCE: Unknown

FRIDAY HUMOR: “An Atheist Encounters a Grizzly Bear”

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #44

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rsutling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him…

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him… At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

FRIDAY HUMOR: “Have Dog, Will Travel”

FRIDAY HUMOR: #44

A Jewish woman from New York wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there’s your dog.

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?” They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.

“Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog. What are we going to do?”

Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cocker spaniel. They’re common dogs.

There’s a pet shop across the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”

They bring the woman the other dog and she says, “That’s not my dog.” Laughingly and making light of it they say, “What do you mean that’s not your dog?”

And she says, “My dog’s dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”

FRIDAY HUMOR: A Tale of Two Christmas Sweaters

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #43

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,

“What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales

FRIDAY HUMOR: Linus, Lucy, and the 9th Chapter of Genesis

SERIES: Friday Humor #42

Lucy and Linus are gazing out the window at a staggering downpour.

“Boy, look at it rain,” Lucy says, fear etched on her face. “What if if floods the wohole world?”

“It will never do that,” Linus responds confidently. “In the ninth chapter of Genesis, God promised Noah that would never happen again, and the sign of the promise is the rainbow.”

“You’ve taken a great load of my mind,” Lucy says with a sigh of relief. Linus replies, “Sound theology has a way of doing that!”

SOURCE: Sam Storms. Preface to Tough Topics: Biblical Answers to 25 Challenging Questions. Wheaton, IL.: Crossway, 2013.

FRIDAY HUMOR: “The Sleep Walker”

Series: Friday Humor #41

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer.

“Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales

FRIDAY HUMOR: 0-200 IN A FEW SECONDS!

FRIDAY HUMOR #40

So a few weeks ago my wife said “Hey honey, if money wasn’t an issue, what would you like for Christmas?” Without much thought I said “I would love to wake up on Christmas morning to find something in the garage that would take me from zero to 200 in a few seconds!”

… so … this morning she told me my present was in the garage so I ran there to find a small box. When I opened it … (wait for it) I found a scale … and she said “stand on it … it will go zero to 200 in a few seconds!” … Merry Christmas to all and to all a good laugh!!

SOURCE: Carlos Sales

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #50

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus,

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

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SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #47

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SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #46

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only three people showed up for the trials:

…a Japanese Samurai

…a Chinese Samurai

…and a Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor-sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead to the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: “This is impressive!”

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai: for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground…in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: “This is VERY impressive!”

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whooooosh! …But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: “I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?”

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

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FRIDAY HUMOR #45

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

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SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #44

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rsutling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him…

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him… At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

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FRIDAY HUMOR: #44

A Jewish woman from New York wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there’s your dog.

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?” They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.

“Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog. What are we going to do?”

Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cocker spaniel. They’re common dogs.

There’s a pet shop across the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”

They bring the woman the other dog and she says, “That’s not my dog.” Laughingly and making light of it they say, “What do you mean that’s not your dog?”

And she says, “My dog’s dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”

Share this:

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SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #43

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,

“What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales