Category: Humor

Friday Humor: Police Emergency

Series: Friday Humor #5

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

“I See You, and Jesus Sees You” by R.C. Sproul

Series: Friday Humor #4

A local newspaper told an anecdote about a burglar who stalked the neighborhood watching for homes left unguarded by people leaving for vacation. He watched as a family loaded their suitcases into their car and departed. He waited until dark and then approached the front door and rang the bell. There was no answer. The burglar neatly picked the lock and let himself in. He called into the darkness, “Is anybody home?” He was stunned when he heard a voice in reply, “I see you, and Jesus sees you.” Terrified, the burglar called out, “Who’s there?” Again the voice came back, “I see you, and Jesus sees you.” The burglar switched on his flashlight and aimed it in the direction of the voice. He was instantly relieved when his light revealed a caged parrot reciting the refrain, “I see you, and Jesus sees you.” The burglar laughed out loud and switched on the lights. Then he saw it. Beneath the parrot’s cage was a huge Doberman pinscher. Then the parrot said, “Attack, Jesus, attack!”

Adapted from R.C. Sprouls excellent book on sanctification entitled Pleasing God. Tyndale: Wheaton, 1991, p. 46.

A Supernatural Life by Steve Brown

Series: Friday Humor #3

A friend of mine told me a great story the other day, which he confirmed was true.

A woman shipped a very valuable dog on airplane. But when the clerks checked the cage after the flight was complete, they found the dog dead. So they went out and bought one just like it and replaced the live dog for the dead one. When the woman came to pick up her dog, she looked in the cage and stepped back in surprise.

“What’s the matter?” an attendant asked.

“Why,” she said in a trembling voice, “That dog was dead when I put him in the cage.”

Jesus said that Christians have passed from death to life. Since that’s true, pagans, especially those who knew us before we trusted in Christ, ought to be just as surprised when they come in contact with us as that woman was when she saw her dog. Our new life ought to be different than the old one—so different, in fact, that people notice the difference.

What in your life can only be explained in terms of the supernatural? Ask a pagan. He should know.

Meditation:

What habits of your old life still linger in your new? I know. Old habits die hard, but God is bigger than any habit, and He sure won’t tolerate bad ones. So get through with them. With God at your side, start rooting them out of your life. As long as you can rely on Him you can do it—He promises you (Philippians 4:13)

 For Further Study:

Acts 9:1-31, “But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.” The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank.

Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” And the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight.” But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” So Ananias departed and entered the house. And laying his hands on him he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened.

For some days he was with the disciples at Damascus. And immediately he proclaimed Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is the Son of God.” And all who heard him were amazed and said, “Is not this the man who made havoc in Jerusalem of those who called upon this name? And has he not come here for this purpose, to bring them bound before the chief priests?” But Saul increased all the more in strength, and confounded the Jews who lived in Damascus by proving that Jesus was the Christ.

When many days had passed, the Jews plotted to kill him, but their plot became known to Saul. They were watching the gates day and night in order to kill him, but his disciples took him by night and let him down through an opening in the wall, lowering him in a basket.

And when he had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples. And they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles and declared to them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who spoke to him, and how at Damascus he had preached boldly in the name of Jesus. So he went in and out among them at Jerusalem, preaching boldly in the name of the Lord. And he spoke and disputed against the Hellenists. But they were seeking to kill him. And when the brothers learned this, they brought him down to Caesarea and sent him off to Tarsus.

So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied.”

Ephesians 4:17-5:12, Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,  and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.”

 About the Writer:

Dr. Steve Brown is one of the most sought after preachers and conference speakers in the country. Having had extensive radio experience before entering the ministry, he is now heard weekdays on the national radio program, Key Life, and one minute feature, “Think Spots”. Steve also hosts a weekly radio talk show, “Steve Brown, Etc.”. He served as the senior pastor of Key Biscayne Presbyterian Church for 17 years before joining the Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) faculty as Professor of Preaching. After teaching full time for almost two decades at RTS, Dr. Brown retired and is Emeritus Professor of Preaching but remains an Adjunct Professor of Preaching teaching occasional classes each year.

Dr. Brown is the author of many (16 and counting) books and also serves on the Board of the National Religious Broadcasters and Harvest USA (He earned his B.A. from High Point College; an S.T.B. from Boston University School of Theology; and an Litt.D. from King College). Steve is one of my favorite writers and speakers because he is authentic, a great story-teller, is a theologian in disguise, and really knows how to address the realities of how sinful humans can experience the amazing grace of God. The article above was adapted from page 112 in his excellent book on surviving and thriving in a tough world: Jumping Hurdles, Hitting Glitches, and Overcoming Setbacks. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992.

Steve Brown Has Authored These Outstanding Grace-Filled Books:

Three Free Sins: God’s Not Mad at You. New York: Simon and Schuster/ Howard Books, 2012.

A Scandalous Freedom. New York: Simon and Schuster/ Howard Books, 2009.

What Was I Thinking? Things I’ve learned Since I Knew It All. New York: Simon and Schuster/ Howard Books, 2006.

Follow the Wind: Our Lord, the Holy Spirit. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1999.

Approaching God: How to Pray. New York: Howard, 1996.

Living Free: How to Live a Life of Radical Freedom and Infectious Joy. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1994.

Born Free: How to Find Radical Freedom and Infectious Joy in an Authentic Faith. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1993.

How To Talk So People Will Listen. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1993.

If Jesus Has Come: Thoughts on the Incarnation for Skeptics, Christians and Skeptical Christians by a Former Skeptic. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1992.

Jumping Hurdles, Hitting Glitches, Overcoming Setbacks. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992.

No More Mr. Nice Guy! Saying Goodbye to “Doormat” Christianity. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1991.

When Being Good Isn’t Good Enough. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1990.

Welcome to the Family: A Handbook for Living the Christian Life. Old Tappan, New Jersey: Fleming H. Revell, 1990.

When Your Rope Breaks: Christ-centered advice on how to go on living—when making it through another day is the hardest thing in the world. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1988.

Heirs with the Prince. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1985.

If God is in Charge: Thoughts On The Nature of God For Skeptics, Christians, and Skeptical Christians. Grand Rapids: Baker 1983.

Friday Humor: “The Golf Challenge”

*Series: Friday Humor #1

 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones…He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouting.”  Proverbs 17:22 & Job 8:21

 

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Do we have a Cardinal who could represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result, “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly marvelous.

“There’s bad news? the Pope asked.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed, “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes.”

*Each Friday – God-willing – On the VLM blog I will be positing some kind of “clean” humor – whether a story, illustration, joke, cartoon, and the like, to bring a smile to your face. I believe that God has a sense of humor. Elton Trueblood even wrote a wonderful book on the subject called: The Humor of Christ. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1975. The goal of this blog is to encourage you in Christ. I hope that each week I will be able to post “good medicine for your soul” through the gift of laugher – DPC. The source of this joke is unknown.

Booklet Review: Kinda Christianity by Ted Kluck and Zach Bartels

“Get Smart” Meets The Emergent Movement

 I was born in the 1960’s and wasn’t old enough or “smart” enough to enjoy the original airing of the satirical show “Get Smart.” Get Smart was a successful spoof on two very popular and successful icons of the time – James Bond and the Peter Sellers character – Inspector Clouseau. Don Adams playing secret agent 86 was both dashing and fumbling and played the role perfectly. I have the whole Get Smart series on DVD and when I am in dire need of a good laugh – I break out a disc and watch a few episodes with my teens – who love Get Smart as much (or more) than I do.

This book is a satire on the representatives of the emergent movement largely represented by Brian McLaren and his book “A New Kind of Christianity.” Much like aficionados or critics of the show “Get Smart” – you are either going to love or hate this little book. If you take James Bond, Inspector Clouseau, Brian McLaren, or those of his ilk too seriously – you will really hate this book! Well if that’s you – and I knew who you were – I’d pray that you would lighten up and learn to laugh at yourself and your heroes.

For those of you who believe in absolute truth, calling a spade a spade, and actually take a stand for something, instead of being continually banal and vague – you will love this book and laugh a lot!

My only critique of the book was that it was too short. However, like episodes of “Get Smart” – I have noticed that as much as I love watching these shows – the reality of the satires and the truths we laugh about are too serious to only make fun of. Ultimately, the sad part about this book is the reality of the truth that it conveys – a lot of people are duped by the emergent leaders that have little to stand on, and that’s why the movement – like the 60’s – will pass and die out – but leave many dazed and confused in it’s wake. God willing – the truth will be sought and found – where it’s been all along – the authoritative, inerrant, and sufficient Bible.

Ted, Frank, and Zach – thanks for the laughter amidst the chaos that is the “emergent movement.” I gave this book four stars out of five – not because I didn’t like it, but because I only give five stars to books that I will read over and over again, or are what I would consider classics that will stand the test of time. This book will not stand the test of time, because the emergent movement – like the liberal theology of the 20th century will be part of history as a passing fad in a short period of time – and the book like “Get Smart” will not be as relevant to the times – but will always be funny to those who lived through the times in which it took place. The gospel grows churches, speculation, and confusion only scatters wandering sheep.

An Atheist and a Little Girl: Good For a Few Laughs

An atheist seated next to a little girl on a plane said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go  quicker that way.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the stranger, “What do you want to talk about?” “How about why there is no God, Heaven, Hell, or life after death?” “OK,” she said. “That could be interesting, first let me ask you this, “A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why?” … The atheist, surprised by the girls intelligence, thinks then says, “I have no idea.” To which she replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?” And she went back to reading her book. – Source Unknown

Sent To Me By a Close Catholic Friend

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Funny Story: Pastor On Salary By Faith

I heard about a pastor who candidated at a church and was called, provided that he lived by faith. He asked the six men on the committee what they meant by living by faith. What it meant was that he would have no stated salary but that he would simply trust God for his needs. The candidate made a suggestion that cost him the church: “Each of you men has a salary, so why don’t we put all of our salaries together, divide the total by seven and all of us can live by faith.” (God Isn’t In a Hurry, by Warren Wiersbe, p. 23)