Friday Humor: R.I.P.

FRIDAY HUMOR #45

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

SOURCE: Unknown

Dr. Ted Engstrom on The Power of a Positive Attitude

Our attitude at the beginning of a job will affect the outcome of the job more than anything else.

Our attitude toward life determines life attitude toward us.

Our attitude toward others will determine their attitude toward us.

Before we can achieve the kind of life we want, we must think, act, walk, talk, and conduct ourselves in ways characteristic of who we ultimately wish to become.

The higher we go in any organization of value, the better the attitude we’ll find.

Holding successful, positive thoughts in our minds will make all the difference in the world.

If we always make a person feel needed, important, and appreciated, he or she will return this attitude to us.

Part of a good attitude is to look for the best in new ideas. So look for good ideas everywhere. We will find them in the most wonderful places: on the bumpers of cars, on restaurant menus, in books, in travel, out of the innocent mouths of children.

Don’t broadcast personal problems. It probably won’t help you, and it cannot help others.

Don’t talk about your health unless it’s good.

Radiate the attitude of well-being. Don’t be embarrassed to share visions, desires, and goals.

Treat everyone with whom you come in contact as a fellow member of the human race—with all the rights, duties, and privileges thereof. The Golden Rule still applies: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Ted W. Engstrom (1916-2006) led several major evangelical institutions – including World Vision, Zondervan Publishing House, Youth For Christ International, and Azusa Pacific University. He wrote or co-authored over 50 books and specialized in mentoring and developing leaders. “His ability to integrate the gospel with everyday life was absolutely inspiring,” said Dean R. Hirsch, head of World Vision International. “Dr. Ted made work and faith walk together.” This excerpt was adapted from Motivation to Last a Lifetime: Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1983.

FRIDAY HUMOR: “An Atheist Encounters a Grizzly Bear”

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #44

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rsutling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him…

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him… At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

FRIDAY HUMOR: “Have Dog, Will Travel”

FRIDAY HUMOR: #44

A Jewish woman from New York wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there’s your dog.

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?” They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.

“Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog. What are we going to do?”

Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cocker spaniel. They’re common dogs.

There’s a pet shop across the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”

They bring the woman the other dog and she says, “That’s not my dog.” Laughingly and making light of it they say, “What do you mean that’s not your dog?”

And she says, “My dog’s dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”

FRIDAY HUMOR: A Tale of Two Christmas Sweaters

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #43

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,

“What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales

FRIDAY HUMOR: Linus, Lucy, and the 9th Chapter of Genesis

SERIES: Friday Humor #42

Lucy and Linus are gazing out the window at a staggering downpour.

“Boy, look at it rain,” Lucy says, fear etched on her face. “What if if floods the wohole world?”

“It will never do that,” Linus responds confidently. “In the ninth chapter of Genesis, God promised Noah that would never happen again, and the sign of the promise is the rainbow.”

“You’ve taken a great load of my mind,” Lucy says with a sigh of relief. Linus replies, “Sound theology has a way of doing that!”

SOURCE: Sam Storms. Preface to Tough Topics: Biblical Answers to 25 Challenging Questions. Wheaton, IL.: Crossway, 2013.

FRIDAY HUMOR: “The Sleep Walker”

Series: Friday Humor #41

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer.

“Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales

20 STEPS TO A BETTER YOU IN 2014

Less soda, more WATER

Less processed, more FRESH

Less salt, more NATURAL

Less sugar, more FRUIT

Less candy, more VEGGIES

Less eating, more CHEWING

Less food, more FASTING

Less driving, more WALKING

Less talking, more LISTENING

Less television, more EXERCISE

Less sitting, more PLAYING

Less criticism, more ENCOURAGING

Less complaining, more GRATITUDE

Less worry, more WORSHIP

Less doubt, more FAITH

Less greed, more GIVING

Less anger, more LAUGHTER

Less talk, more ACTION

Less self, more OTHERS

Less of me, more of JESUS!

FRIDAY HUMOR: 0-200 IN A FEW SECONDS!

FRIDAY HUMOR #40

So a few weeks ago my wife said “Hey honey, if money wasn’t an issue, what would you like for Christmas?” Without much thought I said “I would love to wake up on Christmas morning to find something in the garage that would take me from zero to 200 in a few seconds!”

… so … this morning she told me my present was in the garage so I ran there to find a small box. When I opened it … (wait for it) I found a scale … and she said “stand on it … it will go zero to 200 in a few seconds!” … Merry Christmas to all and to all a good laugh!!

SOURCE: Carlos Sales

FRIDAY HUMOR: To Give Or Not To Give? That Is The Question

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #39

Someone tells of a large company where the president set a goal that everyone would contribute to the United Fund. So everybody in the company gave, except one man. The other employees tried their best to convince the man to give. They appealed to his philanthropic nature; they told him about the great needs in the community; they told him how important it was to be a part of the team. He still refused to give. The president of the company finally called the man into his office and said, “Sam, it is my desire that this company be a part of the United Fund, and it is my desire that our participation be 100 percent. There are two ways we will reach that level of giving. If you give, we will meet my goal, or if you don’t give, I will fire you and we will meet my goal.” “Of course, I will give,” the man responded. “It’s just that nobody ever explained it that way to me before.”

Source: Steve Brown. When Your Rope Breaks (Kindle Locations 169-175). Kindle Edition.

FRIDAY HUMOR #45

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

Share this:

Our attitude at the beginning of a job will affect the outcome of the job more than anything else.

Our attitude toward life determines life attitude toward us.

Our attitude toward others will determine their attitude toward us.

Before we can achieve the kind of life we want, we must think, act, walk, talk, and conduct ourselves in ways characteristic of who we ultimately wish to become.

The higher we go in any organization of value, the better the attitude we’ll find.

Holding successful, positive thoughts in our minds will make all the difference in the world.

If we always make a person feel needed, important, and appreciated, he or she will return this attitude to us.

Part of a good attitude is to look for the best in new ideas. So look for good ideas everywhere. We will find them in the most wonderful places: on the bumpers of cars, on restaurant menus, in books, in travel, out of the innocent mouths of children.

Don’t broadcast personal problems. It probably won’t help you, and it cannot help others.

Don’t talk about your health unless it’s good.

Radiate the attitude of well-being. Don’t be embarrassed to share visions, desires, and goals.

Treat everyone with whom you come in contact as a fellow member of the human race—with all the rights, duties, and privileges thereof. The Golden Rule still applies: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Share this:

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #44

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rsutling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him…

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him… At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Share this:

FRIDAY HUMOR: #44

A Jewish woman from New York wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there’s your dog.

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?” They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.

“Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog. What are we going to do?”

Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cocker spaniel. They’re common dogs.

There’s a pet shop across the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”

They bring the woman the other dog and she says, “That’s not my dog.” Laughingly and making light of it they say, “What do you mean that’s not your dog?”

And she says, “My dog’s dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”

Share this:

SERIES: FRIDAY HUMOR #43

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,

“What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales

Share this:

SERIES: Friday Humor #42

Lucy and Linus are gazing out the window at a staggering downpour.

“Boy, look at it rain,” Lucy says, fear etched on her face. “What if if floods the wohole world?”

“It will never do that,” Linus responds confidently. “In the ninth chapter of Genesis, God promised Noah that would never happen again, and the sign of the promise is the rainbow.”

“You’ve taken a great load of my mind,” Lucy says with a sigh of relief. Linus replies, “Sound theology has a way of doing that!”

Share this:

Series: Friday Humor #41

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer.

“Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

*SOURCE: Carlos Sales

Share this:

Less soda, more WATER

Less processed, more FRESH

Less salt, more NATURAL

Less sugar, more FRUIT

Less candy, more VEGGIES

Less eating, more CHEWING

Less food, more FASTING

Less driving, more WALKING

Less talking, more LISTENING

Less television, more EXERCISE

Less sitting, more PLAYING

Less criticism, more ENCOURAGING

Less complaining, more GRATITUDE

Less worry, more WORSHIP

Less doubt, more FAITH

Less greed, more GIVING

Less anger, more LAUGHTER